The Shortcuts
by GoodyAce
Summary: Jerry ditches the sarcasm and becomes a "normal guy," finding himself on the outs with George and Elaine. And the old-fashioned girl he starts dating turns out to not be quite so old-fashioned after all. Kramer sells "shortcut maps" of New York.


SEINFELD  
  
EPISODE 183  
  
THE SHORTCUTS  
  
WRITTEN BY DAVID ADLER  
  
SCENE - THE HALL  
  
GEORGE  
  
Do you remember Tony Kugelman?  
  
JERRY  
  
From high-school. Mr. 4-F.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why do you care if he couldn't get into the army? I mean weight, appearance, poverty. Those things you can make fun of. But military service...  
  
JERRY  
  
No, those were his grades. 4 Fs, every term. I thought he was in jail. You know (sniffles knowingly).  
  
GEORGE  
  
He got out a few months ago. Do you think he'd be interested in Celia?  
  
JERRY  
  
The one who's all over you? That you can't stand?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah.   
  
JERRY  
  
What makes you so sure that she'd be interested in him?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know. He kind of looks like me a little. And his mother used to use the same laundry detergent as mine, so our houses always smelled the same.   
  
JERRY  
  
You look like you've got something on your mind.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm thinking of pulling a double-switch.  
  
JERRY  
  
So you're going to install him in some kind of puppet-relationship?  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's the plan.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know if it were me, it'd be easy. I've already got a double picked out.   
  
GEORGE  
  
What? Who are you talking about?  
  
JERRY  
  
This comedian I used to know. He came to all my sets, tried to be just like me. He copied everything I did. It was like me, only a slightly more sarcastic, less better-looking version.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Really. You never told me about this guy. Who is he?   
  
JERRY  
  
No, I'm not giving you that information.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why not?  
  
JERRY  
  
Remember Wally Pip.  
  
GEORGE  
  
The guy who played first base for the Yankees before Gehrig.  
  
JERRY  
  
Exactly.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you're afraid that if you go down, you're out of the line-up for good? Who's my backup?  
  
JERRY  
  
Sack of potatoes.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well I need to do something. This girl is killing me. The smiling, the calls, the caring. Do you know what it's like to have someone genuinely interested in your life? I don't even answer the phone anymore. It rings, I put a couple of pillows around my head and hum.  
  
JERRY   
  
Why can't you just tell her how you feel?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Just looks at Jerry like he's said the craziest thing in the world) What, we've know each other a long time, right. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm telling you, it's never gonna work. The double-switch...it's impossible.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why? Because it's too perfect?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. It's like the Immaculate Reception. You just need Franco Harris and the whole thing should turn out fine.   
  
GEORGE  
  
See, this is always what happens. I ask you a simple question and you start with the sarcasm.   
  
JERRY  
  
Alright short-round, you finished?  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're pushing it.  
  
(Opens door and enters apartment. There are maps and papers spread out over all the tables and furniture)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Are you painting?   
  
JERRY  
  
What the hell is going on?  
  
(Kramer enters)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Whoa. This is an unexpected treat.   
  
JERRY  
  
What is this?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, these are my maps?  
  
JERRY  
  
Maps of what?  
  
KRAMER  
  
New York City.  
  
JERRY  
  
Of course.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Allow me. What...(trails off)  
  
KRAMER  
  
I was downtown today, you know, buying a top hat, and I remembered I had to pick up Newman at the doctor's. Well I was all the way down there, you know. All the way downtown and I had to be uptown in ten minutes. Well I can't make that. So I thought, there must be a better way.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, you know what they say; Insanity is the mother of invention.  
  
GEORGE  
  
See. That's what I'm talking about. The sarcasm.  
  
JERRY  
  
But that's how I always talk.   
  
GEORGE  
  
I know. And it's driving me crazy. I tell you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, it's my loss I guess.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, THAT'S IT. You're really pouring it on today! (Steaming, leaves the apartment and slams the door)  
  
KRAMER  
  
He's right you know.  
  
JERRY  
  
What? About the sarcasm?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I can't take it.  
  
JERRY  
  
You too? Then why are you here all the time?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm afraid of the dark.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well I don't know what to say. I mean...  
  
KRAMER  
  
Don't.  
  
JERRY  
  
I guess I could tone it down a little. I don't need to be funny all the time.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Funny?  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, how does a normal person talk?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Ask me something.   
  
JERRY  
  
Like what?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Ask me about the...subway.  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright. So, I hear they're getting rid of the seats on the subway. Making it standing room only.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah.  
  
JERRY  
  
Is that it?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's how people speak. Short and sweet. There's no time for all this, superfluous, conversation.   
  
JERRY  
  
Would you mind clearing these things off of my bed? I think I'm gonna go to sleep.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'll be quiet.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'd like you to go.  
  
KRAMER  
  
But it's pitch-black out there.  
  
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP  
  
JERRY  
  
Good morning Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Good morning. Hey, you know I always wondered about the "good-morning" return. You're saying good morning to me, and I'm saying good morning back to you. I mean, doesn't that seem a little redundant?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Looks at her like she's crazy)  
  
ELAINE  
  
What. What are you looking at?  
  
JERRY  
  
Nothing. Hey, it's a beautiful day today, isn't it. I mean the sun's shining. Not a cloud in the sky. It's been unseasonably warm this year, hasn't it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, I guess. Hey, I was...  
  
JERRY  
  
I read an interesting story in the paper this morning. Did you know that cod stocks in the North Atlantic are at an all-time low? Overfishing. I don't know how they do it.   
  
ELAINE  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
JERRY  
  
Fisheries.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why?  
  
JERRY  
  
Because that's what normal people talk about. You see this fork. You see this concretion of food molecules cemented to it. I am going to use this fork. You know why? Because I'm a normal person and whatever this disgusting mass of hardened pre-chewed cud is, doesn't bother me.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So you've gone straight?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes I have, and it's all thanks to George. I had a big fight with him yesterday and I realized that all this sarcasm and petty, whatever, was keeping me from being happy. So from now on, I'm a normal guy. I realize I may not be as funny...  
  
ELAINE  
  
Funny?  
  
JERRY  
  
YES. As funny as I used to be, but what's more important? All this? Or peace of mind?  
  
ELAINE  
  
With you, it's a very small piece.  
  
JERRY  
  
As a normal person, I can accept that "joke" and move on. Now where's my oatmeal.   
  
SCENE REGGIE'S COFFEE SHOP  
  
KRAMER  
  
Can we sit in the booth?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I like the table.  
  
KRAMER  
  
When there's a booth? Come on. We're all vulnerable out here. Everyone can see us eating. Look at that guy. That guy was looking at us.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No one is looking at us.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Why are we here anyway? You know Jerry went to Monks this morning. I saw him going to get the paper.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry gets the paper delivered.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I know. I was going to get _his_ paper. He was going out for a walk.  
  
GEORGE  
  
A walk. I don't like this. Stop playing with that.  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Kramer is pulling napkins out of the dispenser and counting them) What. I'm not doing anything.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So I ran into Tony Kugelman yesterday.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Who's he?  
  
GEORGE  
  
A guy I used to know in high school. He works at a newsstand now down on 4th street.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You know I used to work in a newsstand...until Joan Crawford came and burned it down.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, anyway, I was talking to him about Jerry...  
  
KRAMER  
  
About who?  
  
GEORGE  
  
JERRY.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Van Dyke?  
  
GEORGE  
  
SEINFELD!  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh. Continue. Hey, what is this? I asked for a glass of water. How am I supposed to drink this? (Picks up the vinegar and tries sticking a straw through the small hole in the top)  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's vinegar! I can't take this. I need Jerry here. This isn't right. We had an equilibrium: His sarcasm, Elaine's flakiness, your...whatever. Me and you, it's like a chemical imbalance.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Well why don't you just apologize to him. He'll take you back.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know if I can.   
  
KRAMER  
  
You know he misses you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Did he say that? You're not just saying that, are you? Cause if you're just saying that...  
  
KRAMER  
  
No. He wants you back.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Then why hasn't he called? I have a phone. He knows the number.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Maybe he just needs some time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Or maybe he changed his whole life and there's no room for me anymore.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, that's a possibility.  
  
SCENE - HEALTH CLUB  
  
(Jerry is on a treadmill talking to some uninterested looking guy standing next to him)  
  
JERRY  
  
You know I'll tell you what's a coincidence; that Captain Hook. Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Hook ever thought for a second that would work out so well? I mean that's a lot of foresight. What if his name was Captain Hand? Then you've got a whole other story there.   
  
ROY  
  
Who's Captain Hook?  
  
JERRY  
  
From Peter Pan. You know the pirate. One hand's a hook.   
  
ROY  
  
No. I don't watch much TV though. (Walks away)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Making some new friends?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know what's wrong with people. I've got these perfectly good non-sequiturs and everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, Elaine. I'm a...  
  
ELAINE  
  
A normal guy. Right.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know what happened to people.   
  
ELAINE  
  
You know the strangest thing just happened. I was over by the ab-machines, and I saw a guy who looked just like you. It was really weird.   
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, no. Was he wearing sunglasses?  
  
ELAINE  
  
YEAH. Yeah, he was.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's Tom Sheinstein. That's my double.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh! That's him? Why's he wearing sunglasses, is he blind?   
  
JERRY  
  
No, he wears them all the time. To look cool. Why does anyone wear sunglasses?   
  
ELAINE  
  
Well I'm gonna go over and talk to him.  
  
(Jerry reaches out and grabs Elaine's arm)  
  
JERRY  
  
NO! Stay away from him.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Jerry! You're hurting me. You know you've been acting really strange lately. Maybe I'll see you later.   
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
JERRY  
  
I thought I told you to get these things out of here.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I know. But I had an idea. You know there are maps of the city, and they tell you how to get somewhere. But what about the things they don't tell you?  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer, I'm having a really bad day...  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well what about speed bumps. Traffic lights. Crosswalks. The things Washington doesn't want you to know.  
  
JERRY  
  
So you're doing what exactly?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm making a map of shortcuts. I'm sick of yielding, Jerry. I'm sick of it. I want people to know that they can get around this city. I know a guy, came in from Idaho. He was coming back to his hotel from dinner one day. He left at 6 O'Clock. Three days later, he's still on 5th Avenue.   
  
JERRY  
  
Well, I'm not sure I believe that story, but the shortcut thing is a great idea. Put me down for one when you're finished.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You want to buy one?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. Just tell me how much and I'll write you a cheque. Olive? (Offers Kramer an olive)  
  
KRAMER  
  
What's going on here? Who are you?  
  
JERRY  
  
What? I'm just a normal guy.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Where are your shoes?  
  
JERRY  
  
I took them off when I came in. I don't want to track dirt all over the floor. And in the future, I'd thank you to do the same.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Strange days.  
  
JERRY  
  
Now could you get this stuff out of here please. Shirley is coming over.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Who's Shirley?  
  
JERRY  
  
My date. My insurance agent set me up with her. They're sisters. You know I wasn't covered for floods OR earthquakes?   
  
KRAMER  
  
Insurance? You don't have insurance.  
  
JERRY  
  
Sure I do. I'm a normal guy.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well for a normal guy, you're really FREAKING ME OUT.  
  
JERRY  
  
Just clean up these maps please.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Please!  
  
SCENE - REGGIE'S  
  
GEORGE  
  
Shirley?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's right.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wow. Shirley. Hmm. Kind of, you know...old fashioned.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well you know Jerry. He's not into that petty stuff anymore. He's just a normal guy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Normal guy! You know, I spoke to Elaine yesterday. She left me a message. Maybe _she's_ getting a little sick and tired of Jerry too. She wants me to meet her at Monk's for lunch. To talk about it, I guess.   
  
Anyway, I never finished telling you about Tony Kugelman yesterday.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Who?  
  
GEORGE  
  
The guy with the newsstand. I used to know him in high school.  
  
KRAMER  
  
The (Kramer sniffles, turns his head, and pushes a packet of sugar across the table to George to signify that Tony is a suspected criminal). Did I tell you about my shortcut maps?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Do you think this guy, Kugelman, would be interested in selling them?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know. Maybe.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Alright. Where is he, 'cause I'm gonna go down and see him.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Don't you want to hear the rest of the story?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'd love to buddy, but I've got to run. Maybe later.  
  
(Kramer Exits)  
  
GEORGE  
  
What is going on here?  
  
(Kramer Returns)  
  
KRAMER  
  
I forgot my hat.  
  
(Kramer puts on his top-hat and leaves)  
  
SCENE - RESTAURANT  
  
JERRY  
  
So I was standing in line at the video store and some guy comes and butts in ahead of me.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
So what did you do?  
  
JERRY  
  
I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Excuse me, sir, but I was here first." Well he laughed about it and said it was just a mistake. Turns out he's an electrician.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
That's an interesting story.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, I thought you'd like it. Hey, did you see the NASDAQ today?   
  
SHIRLEY  
  
No, I didn't.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, it started off pretty tough, but then by the end of the day, it rebounded.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
That's all anybody ever talks about at work. The stock market. I'm so sick of it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really. I forgot to ask, where do you work?  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Research and development at Colgate-Palmolive. I product test the new soaps and shampoos.  
  
JERRY  
  
So your job is to bathe all day?  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Basically. I'm the cleanest person I know.  
  
JERRY  
  
Clean. Yes. Do you know I love to wash my hands? In fact, I keep wet-naps in my wallet.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Who are you Jerry Seinfeld?   
  
JERRY  
  
Hey. I'm just a normal guy.  
  
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP  
  
(George is sitting in the booth all by himself, looking excited and nervous. Elaine enters with a man who looks just like Jerry)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hi. George, I want you to meet Tom. The new Jerry.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Nervously, wiping his hand on his pants to make sure his palms aren't sweaty) Hey.  
  
TOM  
  
I just got off the phone with my parents. They went out for dinner yesterday. Expensive place. Classy. My mom sends back her Coke because there's too much ice in it.   
  
GEORGE  
  
(George is apprehensive at meeting the NEW Jerry, and is acting a bit shy) Oh, yeah. Do your parents live around here?  
  
TOM  
  
No. They're out in Palm Springs.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Really. Not Florida?  
  
TOM  
  
They like the dry heat. What about your parents?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're out in Queens. They don't like anything.  
  
(Tom laughs heartily, and George starts to brighten up)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Tom and I were just at the movies. That's why we're late.  
  
TOM  
  
George, you had to be there. There was this couple in the back of the theatre that kept laughing at the stupidest things. I mean these weren't even jokes really. But they kept laughing. So I turned to Elaine and I said, "They probably haven't laughed this hard since Ishtar." A couple of Bad-laughers. Can you believe it? People!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Kramer! Hey, Kramer. Come over here.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hi.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Kramer, sit down.   
  
KRAMER  
  
OK.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer, I'd like you to meet Tom. Tom, this is my friend Kramer that I was telling you about.  
  
TOM  
  
Hey, the K-Man.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Greetings. So where's Jerry?  
  
ELAINE  
  
He's not coming.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What, is he busy?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, we just didn't invite him.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Didn't invite him? What's going on here?  
  
GEORGE  
  
We don't need Jerry. We've got Tom.  
  
TOM  
  
Hey, what's the deal with Oranges? What do you think came first, the fruit or the color? Because if it was the fruit, that's kind of crazy.   
  
KRAMER  
  
(Goes spastic in the booth) Whoa. I know what's going on here. I know what you're trying to do. I'm not going to be a part of this. Oh, no.   
  
ELAINE  
  
Will you calm down?  
  
KRAMER  
  
No, I'm not going to sit idly by while you phase out Jerry like so much...asbestos.   
  
ELAINE  
  
Tom works for Rand McNally. You know, the MAP people.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, really.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I told him about your shortcut maps. He thinks it's a great idea.  
  
KRAMER  
  
He does?  
  
TOM  
  
It's the best idea I've ever heard. We've been looking for a breakthrough in map making for years. You know it's always the same thing. Those legends, the colors. The railroad tracks.   
  
You know the reason people need maps? Most of them just don't want to ask someone for directions. They're lazy. They don't want to look like an idiot in front of their wives.  
  
But with your shortcut maps they're making great time. They're looking like heroes. They get to Aunt Edie's in an hour.

"How did you get here so fast?"

"It was a shortcut."

People love to brag about making good time. It's like getting 1500 on your SATS. I'm telling you, these maps are a million-dollar idea. You give me your drawings, and we can get these babies on the street right away.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Tom!  
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
(A knock is heard in the hall. Newman begins calling for Kramer.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello, Newman.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Hello, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer's not here. I don't know where he went.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Oh, that's too bad. Because I just picked up the latest installment in the Firestorm series. Starring a Mr. Tom Berenger.  
  
JERRY  
  
Firestorm II. That just came out yesterday. I've been dying to see it. I heard it was an action-packed thrill ride. Or an edge-of-your-seat roller-coaster ride. Or some kind of ride.   
  
NEWMAN  
  
I know a certain someone in the mail room of a major Hollywood studio that shall remain unnamed. He was kind enough to forward this copy to me with his, regards.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, hey. Why don't you come in and we can watch it together.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Come in? Is this some kind of trap. You know they're expecting me at the chocolate factory in a few hours. If I don't show up, they'll call. What's in your hand?  
  
JERRY  
  
The remote control. Look, I've got nothing to do. I'm kind of not talking to George and Elaine. Come on. It'll be fun.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Can we have popcorn?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, I'll microwave some.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
And pound cake?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm all out.  
  
NEWMAN   
  
Well, alright.  
  
(Newman enters and removes his shoes on the doormat)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, you're taking off your shoes.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Of course I am. I'm a normal guy.  
  
SCENE - NEWSSTAND  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey.  
  
TONY  
  
Hey.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You Kugelmim?  
  
TONY  
  
Kugel-MAN. Who wants to know?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm a friend of George Costanza's. I've got these maps, you know, shortcut maps. They're just like regular maps, only they only give you shortcuts around the city.   
  
TONY  
  
Yeah? That's a good idea.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I was wondering if you'd be interested in selling them here.  
  
TONY  
  
You give me 15% and we got a deal.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Deal!  
  
(Kramer gives him a copy of the map)  
  
TONY  
  
What is this?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the map.   
  
TONY  
  
The pages are all red. I can't read this thing.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Well red's my favorite color.  
  
TONY  
  
No one's gonna buy a red map. And look at this thing, it's in pieces. What is this? You bring me back white ones and we'll talk.   
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Do you think we're going too fast? I'm kind of an old-fashioned girl, you know.  
  
JERRY  
  
No.   
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Well, maybe you're right.  
  
(They start kissing)  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Maybe we should go into the bedroom.  
  
JERRY  
  
That was fast.  
  
(They go into the bedroom. Frame cuts and we see Jerry running out into the main room. Shirley runs out after him)  
  
JERRY  
  
Whoa!  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
What? What?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Rinsing out his mouth and spitting) I think you should go.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
Why? I don't understand.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey. I heard what you said. You're sick sister.

Really old fashioned? Hey, I don't think they ever did THAT in Little House On The Prairie. I'll tell you something, there's not enough soap in the world...You know what? I bet you're a great worker. I bet you're there working overtime! You're probably the best employee they've ever had.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
I thought that's what you wanted.  
  
JERRY  
  
I was thinking about rounding third base. You've got me doing laps around the stadium.   
  
SHIRLEY  
  
I'm sorry. I'm...sorry. I thought...  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, I'm just a _normal_ guy. Alright.  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
But that's normal.   
  
JERRY  
  
THAT'S not normal. And if THAT is normal, then bring on the padded walls!  
  
SHIRLEY  
  
I'm leaving. If you change your mind, call me.   
  
JERRY   
  
(Muttering) Yeah. Right after I burn my sheets.  
  
(Kramer opens his apartment door)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, I've got a souffle in the oven. What's going on?  
  
JERRY  
  
Shirley left...  
  
(Kramer immediately jumps to the conclusion that Jerry's sexual advances caused Shirley to storm out)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, You didn't! She's a nice girl, Jerry. But NO, you had to get fresh with her. You couldn't control yourself. You saw unspoiled beauty and couldn't take it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Look, I'm not the problem. It's not what you think.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, yeah, well then what is it? Could it be that your heart is as black as night? That you're propelled by lust; a Marquis De Sade of the 5th floor. Insatiable!  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, forget it. OK. I don't want to talk about it.   
  
KRAMER  
  
No. No. I thought you were a normal guy and then you go and pull a stunt like this. I'm never gonna look at you the same, you know that? You're tainted in my eyes. Sex, is all that matters to you and your dirty, DIRTY, little mind? (Points at Jerry) UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!  
  
JERRY  
  
ALRIGHT! I'll tell you. But this is the last time I ever want to hear about it. Understand? She wanted to...(whispering in Kramer's ear)  
  
(Kramer hears what Jerry has to say and goes absolutely spastic. He lies, writhing on the floor. Jerry goes to help him up, but Kramer refuses)  
  
KRAMER  
  
No. Leave me down here for a while.   
  
(Kramer slithers back into his own apartment)  
  
SCENE - STREET  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what made you decide to call?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. I guess I missed you.  
  
(Kramer looks over at Jerry and winks at him)  
  
GEORGE  
  
'Cause I thought, maybe, there wasn't room for me in your life anymore.  
  
JERRY  
  
You? Please. As long as I don't have a wife, family, pet, hobby...there'll always be room for you. Besides, Newman...dumped me. I found crumbs all over his collar. I think he found someone else.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's sweet of you to say. Hey, there's Tom.  
  
JERRY  
  
The fake me.  
  
TOM  
  
Hey, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey Tom. How are you doing?  
  
TOM   
  
I'm alright. Elaine just sent me down to get the paper. Can you believe she doesn't get it delivered?  
  
JERRY  
  
So things are still good with you guys?  
  
TOM  
  
Actually, I told her I thought it would be better if we were just friends, but she said no. Something about doubles. I don't know.   
  
Kramer, I was right about those shortcut maps. We just sold a truckload to the city yesterday. Big money.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah? 'Cause I'm just dropping some off right now.   
  
Tony. Hey, I got the goods right here.  
  
(Gives Tony a package wrapped in brown butcher's paper)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey Tony!  
  
TONY  
  
George. You know that girl you set me up with is a nut. She keeps calling me, popping in. I had to disconnect my phone.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well I'm sorry. I didn't know.  
  
TONY  
  
Is it all here?  
  
KRAMER   
  
Pure white and uncut. The good stuff.   
  
COP 1   
  
Police, freeze.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What's going on?  
  
COP 1  
  
That's it Kugelman. We've been watching you for months. You finally slipped up.  
  
TONY  
  
Hey, I didn't do nothing.  
  
COP 1  
  
Save it. We've got this place wired. (To Kramer) So Mr. "pure white, and uncut." You're going away for a long time.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, you've got it all wrong.  
  
(Tony bolts, but as he leaves he dislodges the awning on the news stand, which falls and hits Tom in the head, knocking him out)   
  
SCENE - AMBULANCE  
  
(The ambulance is driving around, going nowhere. The driver and the paramedic in the passenger seat are looking at each other confusedly)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, we were just here. We're going in circles.   
  
DRIVER  
  
It's this map. It's junk. This is supposed to be a shortcut.  
  
MEDIC   
  
Hey, this is a one-way street.  
  
DRIVER   
  
Where are we anyway?   
  
JERRY  
  
Hey! This is kind of an emergency.  
  
DRIVER  
  
Turn West. West!   
  
MEDIC   
  
We are going West.   
  
DRIVER  
  
West is left!   
  
MEDIC   
  
We're going left.  
  
JERRY  
  
What does that mean?  
  
MEDIC   
  
Yield! YIELD!  
  
(We see Newman crossing the street with Shirley. Freeze on their frightened expressions)  
  
THE END


End file.
